Chapter 2: Maritime Warfare

Not that I expected otherwise, but salmon certainly proved to be more of a challenge than eggs. Hell, I even had trouble buying the thing. See, while I admit that my knowledge of seafood is about on par with my knowledge of Croatian parliamentary procedures, I was under the impression that a "fillet" is something that doesn't have bones in it, yet the package stated it was boned. So, when I asked the guy in the grocery store about it, I was surprised when he said that's not "always" the case...which raised more questions than answers. Rather than stand there and continue to look foolish, however, I just grabbed the salmon and went on my merry way. I also have to admit, I cheated on the recipe. You see, my book called for poached salmon, and it seems one of the ingredients necessary was white wine, of which I have none. I wasn't about to pour a bottle of Dos Equis in there, so I said screw it, I'm just putting the damn thing in the oven. If I can't do something *exactly* the way it's supposed to be, I have to find another method entirely, because I simply don't know enough about this stuff to improvise(yet).

It's difficult to convey just how overwhelming this is for me. Imagine that you're trying to play hockey with NHL players. Now imagine you have no legs. And you're blind. I mean, I don't even know how to pronounce the names of most of the types of sauces that go with salmon, much less make them. In time, I'm sure I'll look back at this and laugh as hard as you likely are now, but at the moment I truly am a culinary disaster.

Anyway, so I brushed the salmon with butter and put it in the oven while I got started on the mashed potatoes. Thankfully, I'm familiar enough with potatoes(in french fry form, at least) to understand their basic properties, and that went fairly smoothly. However, the salmon proved to be a far more resilient foe. Since I had no idea whether or not you're supposed to turn the fish while it's in there, I just left it the way it was. After a little while I checked on it only to find it was now stuck to the pan. After a moment of scraping fish and muttering various bits of inappropriate language, the smoke alarm went off(it must be noted, though, that our alarm is EXTREMELY sensitive). At that point, the cursing was kicked up several notches as I physically abused the alarm and put the fish back in the oven for another couple of minutes.

When it was all said and done, the salmon actually didn't look too bad. Pretty similar to my Google Image(thank god for Google...), I must say. It tasted alright, but I have to admit, it's not something I'd go out of my way to eat very often. Part of that might have something to do with how careful I was while eating it, though...where the F were the bones??? The Sobey's guy and the damn package said they were there, yet I found nothing. Did I eat them? How could I not notice? Or did they dissolve in the oven? Confusion reigns...

Oh, and my deepest apologies, but in the chaos, I forgot to take a picture of the finished product. So, to make up for it, here is a picture of an evil clown that took over people's minds in an episode of Star Trek: Voyager. Enjoy.